The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I made mud pies.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating you.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

“On time” is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.”One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

*The Green Thing !*

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older
woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The cashier responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did 
not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. 
Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the 
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized 
and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they 
really were recycled.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop 
and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb 
into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn’t have the green thing back in our
day. Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief — remember them? — not a screen the size of the county.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have
electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile
item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right. We didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect it to be flown in from other parts of the world thousands of kilometers away.

We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic
wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes
to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi
service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of
sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old 
folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson
in conservation from a young person. We don’t like being old in the
first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off…

“I wish more people were fluent in silence.”

Why are relationships like algebra? 
Because you look at your X and wonder Y?

“I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.”

Since zombies feed on brains, it looks like you’re safe.

“Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list”

“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”

If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

“I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.'”

“Always remember: you’re just as unique as everybody else.”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“Always remember: you’re just as unique as everybody else.”

It takes patience to listen… it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Why shouldn’t you worry about what other people think? 
Because they don’t really do it very often.

If you’re here, who’s running hell?