GOOD HISTORY LESSON – ONLY NO ONE IS LISTENING!! 

Know what happened 173 years ago this summer? 

September 9, 1850…California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

 So basically, NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real tits and the men didn’t hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She said, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He said, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.” She said, “that’s amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh that sounds like a Mastercard.” He notes. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and said, “That’ll be $34.50 please.” The woman is totally confused by this and asked, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?” He replied, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.” She paid the bill…

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

Linus, the gentle, security blanket-carrying philosopher, is the smartest kid on the block and is often the voice of reason in the neighborhood, even if he firmly believes in the Great Pumpkin.

Many have tried to separate Linus from his beloved blanket (including Lucy, Miss Othmar, and even his grandmother) to no avail! In many cases, Snoopy attempts to take the blanket for himself, snatching it away and dragging Linus throughout the neighborhood. 

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“Of all the things in the strip, I am most proud of Linus’s security blanket. I may not have invented the term, but I like to think that I helped make it a part of our language, I’m sure kids dragged around blankets before Linus appeared—I know mine did—but I’m sure he became the leading practitioner.” —Charles M. Schulz⁠

This Peanuts Sunday comic strip was first published on February 2, 1958.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.