Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~  Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.  ~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical. ~ Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hanwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb

Please fill out these forms which are identical to the ones you filled out online and have the same questions your doctor will ask you.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Bishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it’s possible for me to become an Archbishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief!” shouted the Priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”

For us old people – Are We The Ones With Dementia? Are We The Ones Who Are Aging? Really!

One
Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. (Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

Two
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said  ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

Three
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)

Four
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’ Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked. ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took  the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over  there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’ PLEASE just  lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

Five
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the  photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!!

Six
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer…’ Dispatcher:  ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all  true…

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said. “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer.” She responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry.” She said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto.” The man said. “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.” ………..