Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I must walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. 

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. 

Well, he said, ‘It’s what mommy calls me sometimes’. 

The little girl screams to her brother 

‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole.

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. —Beverly Gross

 

Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman

 

An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I must know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” 

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.  

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’ ”  Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”  Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery atno charge.”   “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. 

Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

1. What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.

2. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!

3. Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

4. What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

5. What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.

6. What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.

7. How does the ocean say hi? It waves!

8. What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.

9. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

10. Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner? Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

11. Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree!

12. What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

Related: Funny Math Jokes

13. What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.

14. What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.

15. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In the piano!

16. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? “Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

17. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

18. What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.

19. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!

20. What did the lava say to his girlfriend? “I lava you!”

21. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

A guy goes to the USDA to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

“Okay, have you ever been in the military?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.