A lady was driving down a country road when she suddenly hit a squirrel. She slammed the brakes and ran back to where the poor critter lay. Frantically looking around, she saw a veterinary office across the road. She scooped up the squirrel and ran inside, where she found a crusty old veterinarian sitting in a plush old chair reading a newspaper and looking mildly disturbed by her sudden entry.

She said, “Sir, can you help me? I seem to have hit this squirrel with my car, and now I don’t know what to do.”

With barely a glance in her direction, the crusty old vet said, “He’s dead. That’ll be $30 for the office visit.”

The lady was a little taken aback, and said “How can you say that he’s dead from all the way over there, without even looking at him? And the nerve, to charge me for an office visit, at that!”

The old vet got up and wordlessly took the squirrel and laid it on an exam table. Then he left the room, and returned with a mangy old cat that was probably as old as he was. He placed the cat on the exam table by the squirrel. The cat sniffed the squirrel from nose to tail; then let out a forlorn single “meow”, jumped off the table and left. The old vet nodded a couple of times, then left the room again, this time returning with an old Labrador retriever. He led the dog over to the exam table, and the dog started licking the squirrel up one side and down the other. Finally, the dog let out a forlorn “woof”, and walked away.

The old vet looked at the lady and said “I’m sorry ma’am, we did all we could do but he didn’t make it; he’s dead. That’ll be $500.”

The lady was becoming apoplectic at this point and could barely control her rage. “How can you charge me $500 for THAT?!”

“Well,” said the old vet, “it’s $250 for the cat scan and another $250 for the Lab work”.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

“As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, “Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?”

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery…

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! 

Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”