A famous and successful professional golfer died and was up before God for judgment. He was met by St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven who greeted him.

“You were a great golfer, but before you meet God, I thought I should tell you that other than your great golf career, you really didn’t do anything for the common good or for the bad, so we’re not sure what to do with you,” St. Peter said. “We don’t have any golf courses in heaven, but what particularly did you do on earth that was good?”

The golfer pondered for a bit and said, “Once after playing a golf tournament in California, I was driving back to the hotel and there in the parking lot, I saw a young woman being tormented by a group of Hell’s Angels — you know, revving their engines, circling her and taunting her with obscenities.”

“Go on,” said St. Peter.

“So I stopped and got out of my car with my 5-iron and went up to the leader — the biggest guy there. He was much bigger than me, very muscular, had tattoos all over, a scar on his face and a ring in his nose. Well, I put my index finger in his nose ring and tore it out of his nose. Then I told him and the rest of them they’d better stop bothering this woman or they all would get more of the same!”

“Wow, that’s very impressive,” St. Peter replied. “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago,” the golfer replied.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour and has an x-ray in the office right away. The X-ray is reviewed, and a time is immediately booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 2 weeks for an appointment. Gets an X-ray at a lab the following week.

There is a two-week waiting period to have the X-ray reviewed and a report sent to the doctor.

Then there is a 8 week wait to see a specialist.

Finally, the patient has their surgery scheduled for 16 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

Answers

…… the FIRST the pet dog.

…… the SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: “Well, how was that?”

The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but watch this!”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “What did you do?”

The AirBus pilot laughs and says: “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”

The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.

Dedicated to all my Friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.

Kevin had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Kevin:

 Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So, the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

 Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

 Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID…. THAT’S WHY WE HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU….THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.

If you are not part of the solution, you’re probably running for President.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.