Oliver Wendell Holmes, the eminent Supreme Court justice, was on a train reading his paper when the conductor came by punching tickets. The justice searched his coat pockets for his ticket. Then he searched his vest pockets. Each time he came up empty.

Finally the conductor, recognizing him, said, “Mr. Justice Holmes, don’t worry. I’m sure the great Pennsylvania Railroad won’t mind if you send your ticket to us when you find it.”

With this the distinguished jurist looked up at the conductor and said, “My dear young man — the problem is not where is my ticket? The problem is — where am I going?”

The following are called paraprosdokians. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous:

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If  you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality  is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Behind  every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I  was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I  was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If  tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep.