1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

And Finally, the 5-STAR “STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER”

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember….

They walk among us

What deep thinkers men are… I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

Eighth Place: 

In Chicago, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place: 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was  “totally zoned when he
ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on  his daily run.

Sixth Place: 

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place: 

Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop
he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: 

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms  intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and
fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and  several customers also
drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases
in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: 

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
a.m. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP: 

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at
the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. 
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s
foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up  pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated  Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema  when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the  elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where  he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of  dung on top of him. It seems to
be just one of those freak accidents that proves – Shit happens.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS APPROPRIATE TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Probably the shortest video you’ve ever seen… A woman goes back to work after thirty years.

Watch carefully, the video is only 4 seconds long, but you’ll get it.

If you’re younger than 40 years old, you probably won’t understand it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrHycVgBUi0

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied

The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, ‘Oh, my! You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.’

The man replied, ‘you shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

Mess with seniors? You’re going to lose.

Now, I know you’re laughing!

A drunk woman, stark naked,  jumped into a taxi in Bismarck, North Dakota. The taxi driver, who happened to be  an old Norwegian, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honeybun? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old man said “Lady, I’m vas not staring at you,  I am telling you, det vould not be proper vare I come from”.

She said, “Well, if  you’re not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing  then?”

He said, “Vell, I am luking and I’m luking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da heck is dis lady keeping de money to  pay for dis ride?”

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.’I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast & traction with IVs & monitors running in & out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

I had an interesting, well maybe more than a little puzzling, change after updating my MacBook Air to 10.8.5. After the update all of my preferences in Finder were gone -things like Documents, Downloads, Dropbox and a few more. Couldn’t figure it out so made a call to Apple support and found out that sometimes during the upgrade process the Preferences disappear. The solution was quite simple.

With Finder up, click on Finder in the upper left, select Preferences and put check marks in the items you want to show. Problem solved – well almost except for Dropbox. To get Dropbox back (by the way if you don’t have Dropbox you probably should) click on your name in Preferences, provided you put a checkmark by your name in the earlier step, and you will see Dropbox in the display. Then just drag and drop Dropbox into the Preferences list.

Not very complicated but hopefully this short post will save you from some frustration.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller

This question has been posed before but this time I found a lucid discussion on the topic by two individuals that have for over a year used their iPad’s for virtually everything including writing a book, #iPad Only, on the subject. The authors; Augusto Pinaud and Michael Silwinski never met face-to-face even while writing the book. By the way, Augusto lives in Fort Wayne Indiana and Michael lives Europe. Both are successful entrepreneurs; Augusto’s passion is writing and helping people get organized. Michael is the founder of Nozbe.com, a time and project management application with native apps for the Mac, Windows, iPhone, iPad and Android. In that capacity he manages 15 employees scattered around the world.

I will not try here to make their arguments but will provide a glimpse into the thought pattern. They say “The iPad was never designed to substitute the computer in a literal sense. It was designed to help us realize we didn’t need a full-blown computer for most of our computing tasks”. In other words – look at what we want to do not how we have always done it. For instance have you ever sent an email referencing an attachment and forgot to include the attachment? Ya, me too. That happens because in most environments you construct the email and then do the attachment. On the iPad, and on the iPhone for that matter (remember both use iOS), you go to the item you want to send, tap on it and tap share. Then you direct to whom and how you want it sent. No way to forget.

Obviously the iPad has many benefits; size,weight and battery life that can make what we do, particularly if one travels, easier and most certainly lighter. As I read the book some of the ideas I knew and others I had been doing without thinking about it. Having said that the approach they take on workflow changes provided a new look at productivity and how best to obtain it. If you use an iPad I think you will find the book, and the time you put in reading it, a good investment – I did. By the way, I wrote this post, and many others for that matter, on my iPad with a Belkin keyboard case.