Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

Two engineers–

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said STEVEN, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!” Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he ,would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’ Harry: ‘9.’

Principal: What is 6 x 6?’ Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’ Ms. Brooks says to the principal,  ‘Let me ask him some questions.’, The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’ Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ Harry: ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval’ Harry: ‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks:  ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’  The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubblegum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?’ Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’ Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,  ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade.  I got the last seven questions wrong…’

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh…  no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties…  and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, …..

“Check the garage.”

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex . . .

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07… Foursomes are encouraged.

#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05… Three times a day is possible.

#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it.

A drunken man who smelled of booze sat down on a subway next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What be those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on this God’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman, “Mercedes think of everything!”

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you? 

The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
 embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and
said with a laugh…”I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? That’s Absurd!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.