She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.  She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.  He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in the my car.  I must get home.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”  He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.  She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you SO much?  You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man.  I just got out of prison yesterday.  I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing.  “Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!”

Is GOD great or what!?!

“For better digestion – I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine.  In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.” 

“When do you drink water?” 

“I’ve never been that sick.”  

Let’s start with getting one thing straight – domestic violence is a crime and should be treated that way. It is abhorrent and those who perpetrate such acts are to be scorned and dealt with to the full extent of the law. That said let’s take a look at the Ray Rice situation and see if there is a way to figure out how this blew up over the last few days.

While the video that was released by TMZ is shocking and showed the level of violence involved it did not provide any new information. That’s right, we have known for months that Rice hit his then fiancé and dragged her from the elevator. Further, my understanding is that the police and prosecutor had this video from the beginning. Should Rice have received a different level of punishment than what he received? No question – let’s face it if I, or pretty much anybody else committed a similar crime, we would most assuredly have been introduced to a period of time in jail – but then we can’t win football games. So, I would suggest that any outrage about Rice’s level of penalty should first, and primarily, be laid at the feet of the prosecution.

Much has been said about the NFL’s, and particularly Roger Goodell’s, treatment of this incident. To put this in perspective I would like to draw a parallel. There are 32 teams in the NFL and I suspect that each has at least 100 employees, probably more than that but for our discussion I will use that number. That’s 3,200 people. Let’s say that you are the CEO of an organization with 3,200 employees and one of those employees, not a direct report but one that reports to a least one or two managers below your level, commits a crime similar to Rice’s. What are the odds that our imaginary CEO would have an intimate knowledge of and have dealt with the penalty in that case? Maybe not zero but close. He might have known it happened but would depend on the staff to properly administer the situation. But let’s further complicate the situation. Rice is not employed by the NFL but by the Baltimore Ravens and as such the NFL is even one more level removed from the situation. Given that, it would suggest that the second level of outrage, if there is any, might be directed to the Ravens. I am not a cheerleader for the NFL only trying to put this incident in some perspective.

No doubt both the Ravens and the NFL could have reacted more forcefully when this first surfaced and they have acknowledged that, adjusted their penalties accordingly and instituted much more stringent punishments for any future incidents. So what is the wildcard in this fiasco? My vote goes to the media – I suspect one would need a CRAY supercomputer to calculate the number of times the second video has been shown. Further the amount of time the talking heads have spent pontificating on this would leave one to believe that this has started World War III. Remember, the second video provided no new information. Further, how many other acts of domestic violence have been perpetrated in this same timeframe that received absolutely no mention by anyone? Thousands maybe more – who knows? Maybe, just maybe, more time spent on those nameless, faceless incidents would do more in reducing the levels of domestic violence than the hoopla surrounding the Rice affair.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’ The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’ The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and someone who is gay.

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee, the Greek says: “Well, we built the Parthenon.” The Italian replies “We built the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts “We Greeks gave birth to mathematics.” The Italian, nodding, says: “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says: “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies: “That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.”

NOW THAT’S ITALIAN!

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl)  came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do.” I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.

My dental surgery is on Monday.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,’ That was incredible!’

He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No.’ she said, ‘I was a hooker in Warroad, Minnesota and I worked both sides of Lake Of The Woods.’

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.,” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl.. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another.. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS,  ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!