1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘ You stay here; I’ll go on a head. ‘ 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘ Keep off the Grass. ‘ 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a well-seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘ I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger. ‘ 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘ Dam! ‘ 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘ I’ve lost my electron. ‘ The other says, ‘ Are you sure? ‘ The first replies, ‘ Yes, I’m positive. ‘ 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 

26. Then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some  thought to choosing a profession. 
Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what  he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem to concerned about  it.

One day, while the  boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into  the boy’s room and placed on his study table four  objects.

A  bible, 
A silver  dollar, 
A bottle of  whisky and a playboy  magazine.

“I”ll just  hide behind the door”, the old preacher said to  himself. 
”When he comes  home from school this afternoon, “I’ll see which object he picks  up.

If it’s the bible,  he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would  be!

If he picks up the  dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the  bottle. he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would  be.

And worst of all if  he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing  bum.

The old man waited  anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house  whistling and headed for his room. 
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he  turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the  table. 
With curiosity in  his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under  his arm. 
He picked up the  silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he  admired this months centerfold.

“Lord have mercy.” the old preacher disgustedly  whispered.  “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!

THIS WARNING IS FOR ALL OF THE OLD FRIENDS I HAVE AND CARE ABOUT.

I did not know this…

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you when you get old.

Warn all your friends.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!”  Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. “So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

“Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.

“Yes,” said the mother.  “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“The TWIST, Mom!” she angrily yelled at her mother. “THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and  it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey  that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:   PASTOR’S  ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of  publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for  the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to  give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper,  hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN  TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun  that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm   for $10. The next day the  paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for  the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the  plains where   it could run wild. The next day the  headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS  IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried  the next day.

The moral of the  story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and  misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and  enjoy life. Stop worrying about  everyone else’s ass and just cover your  own !!!

You’ll be a lot  happier and live longer!

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.    How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?   Clearly  —  this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. “Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker  “

But before they could finish,……….the waitress interrupted.   “Oh  —  sorry about that.”   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Reminds me of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.