Jack goes to his friend Mike and says … “I’m sleeping with the vicar’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after communion for me?”

The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After communion, he starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar…”My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says…”You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago “

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an ‘AH’ in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature.  The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the ‘AH’ and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an Arse Hole!”

Two months later they’re in court.  The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks, “Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an ‘AH’ underlined.”

“What does the ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” 

“Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.” 

“Aggressive and Hostile?” 

“Yes, Sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Arse Hole?”

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

 How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya’ doing, Billy Bob?” “Good grief, Cletus, ya’ scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

“But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

(Don’t make me come and ‘splain this to you!  Read the last line again, slowly.)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment….. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying….  That phrase…  In no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There  was stunned silence..  Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.‘
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.‘ (Loved this one!)
6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.‘ (Loved this one even more!)

While I don’t do may of these, this one from Dr. Tom was too good not to share. Enjoy!

Here’s a puzzle that has confounded even the brightest among us:

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Can’t figure it out? Don’t feel badly…the answer is elusive. See below :

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!