Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don’t go hungry, you’re a moocher? – Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. – Jay Leno

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. – Steve Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. – Tim Allen

Show me where Stalin is buried and I’ll show you a Communist Plot. – Edgar Bergen

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. – Jeff Foxworthy

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. – Jeff Foxworthy

If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. – Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? – Jeff Foxworthy

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe. – Benny Hill

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. – Alfred Hitchcock