I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers; now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom “the John” and renamed it “the Jim.”  I feel so much better saying I went to “the Jim” this morning

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.”  I’m just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press 1 for English, when you’re just going to transfer me, to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.