Day Brightener – More From The Darwin Awards

DarwinCrispy Copper Fries – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee  – Confirmed True by Darwin – “Winner of the 2012 Hide And Seek Tournament.”
(19 May 2014, Arizona) The mummified remains of a man discovered in a Tucson manhole tell their own poignant story. In May the manhole was opened to investigate a fluctuation in electrical power. According to records kept by Tucson Electric Power, the manhole had not been opened in the past five years, so the team that entered the underground high-voltage vault was quite surprised to find the desiccated remains of a man slumped near cut copper wires. In his shriveled hand was — can you guess? — a bolt cutter.

Crime pays so little and costs so much. This nominee not only failed and fried but also, nobody noticed, making his death both stupid and sad. An autopsy confirmed the obvious conclusion that electrocution was the likely cause of death. The date of death was set at somewhere between one and two years previous to the discovery. The mummy was carrying ID for a 51-year-old man, and DNA testing is underway to verify the identity of the crispy copper critter.

Her Sleep Number Was Up – 2016 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 September 2016, Virginia) Sidney Zelaya Gonzalez, 20, was pinning a king-size mattress to the top of a van with the weight of her body, intent on claiming the free curbside find, when her luck ran out. Perhaps the young woman was testing a physics theory and betting that friction would keep the two fixed in place. Alas, both of them slipped off the moving vehicle and, unfortunately, one of them did not bounce back.

The young woman was nominated for the notorious Darwin Award when it became apparent that she was suffering from a terminal case of bed-head.

The poor judgment of the dearly departed was confirmed when Prince William police spokesman Nathan Probus stated that the van was driven by an unlicensed driver. Police also shared the opinion that “the women were not trying to pull off some kind of stunt,” which was true enough.

Some Finnish – 2013 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 September 2013, Finland) Two brothers-in-law were united by a common interest that is shared by a small but regrettably significant proportion of the population: collecting war weapons. By the date of their deaths, they had collected over 100 frag grenades, bazookas, fuse materials and ammunition from the forests of Lapland. The men enjoyed collecting the weapons as trophies, yet had no training in the handling and disposal of explosives! One can see how this is all going to end.

Around 6pm On A Friday Night, The 24- And 27-Year-Old Men Were Both In The Garage With Their Antique Weapons Collection. The Older Man Had Finished Defusing A Grenade And Was carefully removing the payload. The object of his attention was not a smAll Hand Grenade But Rather A Large 75-Mm Anti-Tank Grenade, 42 Centimeters (17 Inches) Long! Ironically The Attempt To Render It Harmless resulted in the opposite outcome. In the northern town of Kemi, the peace of the garage was shattered by a small explosion. The man holding the grenade died in the ambulance, and the other survived with serious injuries.

In the aftermath of the explosion 200 people within a 150-meter perimeter surrounding the garage were evacuated to a school, and then dozens of kilograms of explosives were safely removed by the Peräpohjolan Police Department. Evacuees returned to their homes with gratitude for their lives. If more war weapons had been set off in a chain reaction then there would have been victims and damaged buildings up to 300 meters away from the garage!

Man Customizes Car Ignition Sequence To His Peril – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(18 February 2014, United Kingdom) Scott McKimmie’s purple Volkswagen Cabriolet would not be considered roadworthy by most people, but to a handy mechanic a flaw can be considered a security feature. Early on Tuesday morning outside The Phoenix pub in Corby, the 39-year-old started the 1998 Cabriolet in his usual unusual way — he put the car in gear and reached beneath the hood (the ‘bonnet’) and touched two wires together to create an ignition spark.

Unfortunately, Scott failed to remember that he had not set the handbrake. To make matters worse he had modified the purple VW to run with a fast idle to prevent stalling. As black wire touched red wire the engine turned over and started, and the car lurched forward and knocked him over. Due to the fast idle the vehicle continued on its merry way, inflicting 36 “separate injuries” on the unfortunate man as — like the Duracell/Energizer bunny — it kept going and going.

As demonstrated in a police investigation video shown to the court, the engine modifications allowed the car to move forward without stalling when it was in first, second or third gear! Coroner Anne Pember recorded a verdict of accidental death with this summary: “It is quite clear that the cause of this tragedy was the unusual starting method Mr. McKimmie used to start his car.”

Delhi Sandwich – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin – India zoo gains a meal, loses a patron...
(23 September 2014, India) Life of Pi move over, Maqsood has a tale to tell. This 19-year-old factory worker joined a White tiger for lunch yesterday in the cat’s Delhi zoo home. After being cautioned twice to not climb over the fence enclosing the tiger enclosure, Maqsood climbed over the fence a third time and then swam across the moat over to Tiger Island.

Never pet a kitty that isn’t yours. The White tiger “went tiger” on the intruder and mauled him to death, subsequently dragging the body around the island for two hours until the animal was finally scared into a cave and the body was retrieved.

Parents of the tiger’s visitor said the boy was mentally ill and addicted to bhang, a preparation of cannabis leaves and seeds that is smoked, chewed, eaten, or infused and drunk to obtain mild euphoria. Yet many normal young men are emotionally troubled and enjoy cannabis–and would be shocked and embarrassed were their parents to refer to them as mentally ill addicts.

In some countries such as the United States of America the animal would have been destroyed to satisfy angry citizens; however, in India, the killer tiger was characterized as acting in line with its nature and the animal will suffer no punishment for the day’s excitement.

Anchorman – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(25 May 2014, Georgia) 18-year-old Chance Werner had recently graduated from high school and early on Sunday morning he was at Lake Allatoona celebrating with friends by playing the Shopping Cart Game. Lake Allatoona is a large reservoir created by damming the Etowah River in 1949. The shoreline is lined with vacation rentals and campgrounds, as well as two yacht clubs and a sailing club.

The Shopping Cart Game is evidently popular. News reports state that the cart is usually anchored to a pole or tree at the dock. The cart is poised on the dock, someone climbs in, and friends launch the shopping cart off the dock and into the water. Ha! The soggy rider climbs out of the water, the cart is reeled back in, and the game begins again.

In the wee hours of between Saturday night and Sunday morning–the timing hints at an evening spent partying at the lake–Chance inexplicably decided to be the tree and tie the cart to his belt. Chance took a chance that did not stand a chance! He was dragged into the water and drowned. Several hours later his body was recovered from nine meters of water, still tied to the shopping cart.

Although Chance was a young man who had only just graduated from high school, the editors voted to give him a Darwin Award because–as his family says–the tragedy contains an important message they wish to share about thinking before you act. “We have all done stupid things. Not one person thought that this was not a good game to play.” People of Earth! This is not a good game to play. Leave that shopping cart at the mall, lest you find yourself in the hereafter swapping stories with Chance.

Double Darwin Award! Sports Training – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee -Confirmed True by Darwin Double Darwin Award! So many train deaths, the editors are railing against stupidity.
(2 March 2014, Netherlands) Two intoxicated men dared each other to test their courage against an intercity train at a Rotterdam train station. At 1800 hours on a Sunday evening, the station was crowded with more than 300 fans returning from a soccer-match pitting Feyenoord against Ajax at De Kuip, the most beautiful soccer stadium in Holland.

The two men stepped off the platform and strode forth onto the tracks. One superdaredevil lay down between the tracks, intending to prove that the entire train would pass over him. What a story to tell! His friend was less confident and he merely knelt down next to the track and kept his head as close as possible to where he thought the train’s profile would be. Turns out that the 130 km/h train that came down the track some seconds later was both lower and wider than they thought. They were killed instantly.

The 300+ onlookers on the platform were none too pleased by the spectacle, and train traffic was interrupted for several hours while authorities cleaned up the mess.

The Thing Ring – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(May 2014, England) In the interest of public safety, Darwin Awards editors are releasing this ribald event to the public to serve as a warning to adventurous amorous males. The event was brought to our attention by an eyewitness, who provided additional details (withheld for privacy reasons) to confirm it.

“Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the A&E Department of a central London hospital to assist in removing a “thing ring.” With our ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his ‘meat and two veg’ extremely swollen and such a dark purple that they were almost blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium ring. Normally the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five-minute affair, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium! After expending a number of cutter blades we had to concede defeat.

“The man in question had put himself into this situation three days prior to committing himself to A&E, delaying the hospital visit due to embarrassment and a vain hope that it would resolve itself in time. Unfortunately this error in judgement cost him dearly. The wonderful doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring the way it went on–yet by the time he sought help, and our tools had been defeated, his jewels was past saving. Full castration–the result of the man’s own actions and decisions–make this eunuch a self-selected nominee for a living Darwin Award.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s