I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
______________________________ __________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?
“No, just here for a few days.”
______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,
A voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
______________________________ __________

“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”
______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”