I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“No, just here for a few days.”
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,
A voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”
“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”
The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit”
The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”
“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”