The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip…
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12..
- There are 12 disciples, not 10….
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,”Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say,”Eat me.”
- The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.