One Way Ticket
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(21 March 2017, Germany) Blasting apart a ticketing machine at the train station was supposed to buy him a ticket to the good life, but instead, the 31-year-old purchased passage in the opposite direction, losing his life in an explosion that ripped the metal front panel off the machine. The details are: he stiffened his resolve with a few drinks at a bar, he was spotted spraying cans of aerosol gas into a ticket vending machine, he placed the empties in a jute bag, and then he ignited the gas (by means undisclosed) causing an explosion that rocked the Dortmund neighborhood. A bar acquaintance recognized him and called for emergency help. But, sprinkled with shrapnel wounds and suffering a substantial head injury, the man rapidly succumbed to death despite resuscitation efforts. Safety measures as simple as wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle helmet would have changed the outcome for Mr. One Way Ticket Out.

Pistol Of Justice
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(April 2017, Argentina) “Divine punishment,” said the judge, deciding not to imprison a man who shot himself in the testicles while carrying an illegal weapon in his waistband. The man lost his family jewels, his job as a security guard, and was faced with years in prison until the court ruled that he had been punished enough by a higher authority. Instant karma?  Reported widely in two major newspaper, Clarín and La Nacion, tact requires us to withhold the name of this Living Darwin Award Winner. Jobs are scarce in the man’s town within Buenos Aires, and the unregistered 45-caliber Colt pistol had been given to him as part of his security job, creating a tragedy within a tragedy. The shooting occurred about two years ago. The final court decision occurred in April 2017. Although this was reported on April 1st, my contact Luis Burgueño assures me that Argentina celebrates Fools Day on December 28th, el dia de los santos inocentes.

503 Server Overload
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(9 April 2017, France) Locked in his bedroom by Mom, a French man leaves by climbing down the ethernet cable. At 1:30AM in Rouen a 47-year-old man attempted to leave his room by climbing down the ethernet cable. He chose this router because his concerned mother had locked him in his room to prevent him from intoxicating himself. Being heavier than a few gigabytes, his weight was too much for the cable and he crashed to the street from the 9th story apartment. The doctors could not resuscitate him, yet wouldn’t he have found another way to remove himself from the gene pool?

#ElephantsWantPrivacy
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(18 February 2017, Zimbabwe) Three male humans, three male elephants, and a dream of a perfect wildlife selfie combine to win to the first 2017 Darwin Award! In the town of Plumtree in southwestern Zimbabwe, Mr. Moses Ndlovu spotted three elephants in the bush. “Shrubbery! This will not do,” he thought, and he and two friends began to drive the three male elephants into a clearing. The elephants cooperated, in a fashion. A large bull elephant and two younger males came charging out of the shrubbery and headed for the provoking men! It was time to test the old truism, “I don’t have to outrun that elephant, I just have to outrun you” The men took off running, each frantic to save his own hide. Moses, lagging behind, was trampled to death by the angry bull while his friends escaped. The entire blunder was a pointless waste of time for man and beast. I am sorry you are dead, Moses Ndlovu, but what were you thinking? As a consolation, your lamentable death serves as a warning to others: #ElephantsWantPrivacy

IRONY FLASH. AndyM and DebRS pointed out that the surname Ndolvu, common in subtribes in Zimbabwe, Zambia, and Malawi, means ‘elephant’ in the Xhosa language Zulu ‘Ndlovu’ means ‘white elephant.

Air Strike Out
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(25 March 2017, Mexico) Standing on a truck on an airport runway, our Double-Darwin Award Winners Nitzia and Clarissa chose a regrettable location for a cell phone selfie. Ms. Corral, 18, and Ms. Miranda, 17, were attending horse races that were held on a track adjacent to the runway. According to the Diario de Chíhuahua, the noise of the races and the desire for a new profile picture distracted the young women. They did not hear the motor of the descending aircraft, and the wing of the small plane struck and killed them instantly. The incident occurred in Chínipas, Chíhuahua, in northern Mexico.

People, wake up! to the plain hard fact that a mobile phone is a deadly distraction. Mobile devices take our awareness away from the physical world, and the Darwin Awards archives are stuffed overflowing with testimony proving the tragic truth of this. We mourn the deaths of two beautiful and lively young people and cut down by such a careless mistake. Cell phones will kill you! Put them away and allow your senses to receive input from tangible reality. Please share this regrettable cautionary lesson, a public service announcement, #yourdeathmatters

Grim Roofer
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(March 2017, England) What’s that smell? A burglar removed a few roofing shingles and climbed into the roof of a chemist shop in Queensbury. On his way down, the man became stuck and was strangled by his own clothes. The asphyxiated pill seeker was found several weeks later and well into decomposition.

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

“You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:

“My wife is from Sicily.”

One word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition:  UP

This two-letter English word has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened because it is stopped UP.

We open a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

UP
Did that one crack you UP?

Possibly the funniest story in a while. Well, not for the bricklayer, that is. This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. Had this guy died, he’d have received a Darwin Award for sure….

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs 

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

 You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

I don’t understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
• Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.**    See below **

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you’ll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information!

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

***************************** *******

**CHARDONNAY, Scotch, or Bourbon may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!

I’m sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to notepads. This one should get First Prize…

I  e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: “If light stays on more than 4 hours, call erectrician.

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. And so he asks “What are the three tests?”

“You must pay first… Those are the rules” says the bartender.

So after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

“Okay,” the bartender says “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!”

The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10 but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things”

“Your call,” says the bartender… “But, your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says “Where’s the damn tequila?” He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, “Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man:  Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?

Man:  About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Porsche?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Porsche?

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky–not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2 – In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–
it doesn’t last that long.”

A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”

“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”

“Well, I really don’t know …”

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”

“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”

“Well let’s go inside and settle this”

“No, my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”

“You’re on!” said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”

The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again!?!”