Day Brightener – 2017 Darwin Awards

One Way Ticket
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(21 March 2017, Germany) Blasting apart a ticketing machine at the train station was supposed to buy him a ticket to the good life, but instead, the 31-year-old purchased passage in the opposite direction, losing his life in an explosion that ripped the metal front panel off the machine. The details are: he stiffened his resolve with a few drinks at a bar, he was spotted spraying cans of aerosol gas into a ticket vending machine, he placed the empties in a jute bag, and then he ignited the gas (by means undisclosed) causing an explosion that rocked the Dortmund neighborhood. A bar acquaintance recognized him and called for emergency help. But, sprinkled with shrapnel wounds and suffering a substantial head injury, the man rapidly succumbed to death despite resuscitation efforts. Safety measures as simple as wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle helmet would have changed the outcome for Mr. One Way Ticket Out.

Pistol Of Justice
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(April 2017, Argentina) “Divine punishment,” said the judge, deciding not to imprison a man who shot himself in the testicles while carrying an illegal weapon in his waistband. The man lost his family jewels, his job as a security guard, and was faced with years in prison until the court ruled that he had been punished enough by a higher authority. Instant karma?  Reported widely in two major newspaper, Clarín and La Nacion, tact requires us to withhold the name of this Living Darwin Award Winner. Jobs are scarce in the man’s town within Buenos Aires, and the unregistered 45-caliber Colt pistol had been given to him as part of his security job, creating a tragedy within a tragedy. The shooting occurred about two years ago. The final court decision occurred in April 2017. Although this was reported on April 1st, my contact Luis Burgueño assures me that Argentina celebrates Fools Day on December 28th, el dia de los santos inocentes.

503 Server Overload
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(9 April 2017, France) Locked in his bedroom by Mom, a French man leaves by climbing down the ethernet cable. At 1:30AM in Rouen a 47-year-old man attempted to leave his room by climbing down the ethernet cable. He chose this router because his concerned mother had locked him in his room to prevent him from intoxicating himself. Being heavier than a few gigabytes, his weight was too much for the cable and he crashed to the street from the 9th story apartment. The doctors could not resuscitate him, yet wouldn’t he have found another way to remove himself from the gene pool?

#ElephantsWantPrivacy
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(18 February 2017, Zimbabwe) Three male humans, three male elephants, and a dream of a perfect wildlife selfie combine to win to the first 2017 Darwin Award! In the town of Plumtree in southwestern Zimbabwe, Mr. Moses Ndlovu spotted three elephants in the bush. “Shrubbery! This will not do,” he thought, and he and two friends began to drive the three male elephants into a clearing. The elephants cooperated, in a fashion. A large bull elephant and two younger males came charging out of the shrubbery and headed for the provoking men! It was time to test the old truism, “I don’t have to outrun that elephant, I just have to outrun you” The men took off running, each frantic to save his own hide. Moses, lagging behind, was trampled to death by the angry bull while his friends escaped. The entire blunder was a pointless waste of time for man and beast. I am sorry you are dead, Moses Ndlovu, but what were you thinking? As a consolation, your lamentable death serves as a warning to others: #ElephantsWantPrivacy

IRONY FLASH. AndyM and DebRS pointed out that the surname Ndolvu, common in subtribes in Zimbabwe, Zambia, and Malawi, means ‘elephant’ in the Xhosa language Zulu ‘Ndlovu’ means ‘white elephant.

Air Strike Out
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(25 March 2017, Mexico) Standing on a truck on an airport runway, our Double-Darwin Award Winners Nitzia and Clarissa chose a regrettable location for a cell phone selfie. Ms. Corral, 18, and Ms. Miranda, 17, were attending horse races that were held on a track adjacent to the runway. According to the Diario de Chíhuahua, the noise of the races and the desire for a new profile picture distracted the young women. They did not hear the motor of the descending aircraft, and the wing of the small plane struck and killed them instantly. The incident occurred in Chínipas, Chíhuahua, in northern Mexico.

People, wake up! to the plain hard fact that a mobile phone is a deadly distraction. Mobile devices take our awareness away from the physical world, and the Darwin Awards archives are stuffed overflowing with testimony proving the tragic truth of this. We mourn the deaths of two beautiful and lively young people and cut down by such a careless mistake. Cell phones will kill you! Put them away and allow your senses to receive input from tangible reality. Please share this regrettable cautionary lesson, a public service announcement, #yourdeathmatters

Grim Roofer
2017 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(March 2017, England) What’s that smell? A burglar removed a few roofing shingles and climbed into the roof of a chemist shop in Queensbury. On his way down, the man became stuck and was strangled by his own clothes. The asphyxiated pill seeker was found several weeks later and well into decomposition.

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