There are only ten times in history where the”F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
2. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
3. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877
4. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
5. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
7. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling? — Michelangelo, 1566
8. “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
9. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
10. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1998

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Air Show Disaster at West Zwick’s Island Park, Belleville, Ontario, Canada.

Aircraft Hits Four Buildings

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

When you stop laughing send it to someone else who needs a good laugh.

Teaching Kids to milk cows in Elementary Education in Wisconsin, America’s Dairy Land. I’ll Bet That When The Teacher Saw The Picture In The Local Paper She Fainted!

Sometimes You Have To Be Careful What You Ask For!

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? – Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley

During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.” Many people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, …and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants ….

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the lowdown on the whole thing.

When babies soil their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em,  Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

I’m Glad we got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.