Day Brightener – A Little Somewhat Warped British Humor To Start The Week

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“No, just here for a few days.”
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
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After both suffering from depression for a while,  me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought – sod it, I’ll soldier on.
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
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“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
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Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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