♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks… all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ If you think you might be crazy, you’re not; because crazy people don’t think they are crazy.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a D-cup bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, the chances are excellent that your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.