Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00 Arrive late and you get what’s left over. Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
14. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.

Love You,

Grandma.

You may recall the item I posted a while ago about my wife’s aunt Sophie. To refresh your memory, after an incident a highway patrolman pulled Sophie over and asked to see her drivers license. Sophie diligently handed the patrolman her license, rolled up the window and drove away! Sophie was in her 90’s. The following item reminded me of Sophie.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.” “Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore. “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”

MAY THE LORD SAVE US!

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first-class section and sits down. the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her, ‘first class isn’t going to Toronto.”

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard, and a backpack weren’t what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “To hell with your pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!”
6. A chap’s wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.
7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds now serve breakfast all day.
9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”  I replied: “OH, so now you want me to stay!”
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her:  “Only you. The others kept me awake all night!”

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free-range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So, Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So, the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers.  The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So, Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, “Sure. Put up your own sign.”

“The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, “How is the problem with the speeding drivers, did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign.   He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.

So, he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign………..

‘NUDIST COLONY’

‘Slow down and watch for chicks!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man Mike, married Katie, a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.   The first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and Mike  could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has difficulty urinating

All drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.  Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.