1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one a lot!)
12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
19. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say, “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes must fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
5. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”” She is different,” or “It was different!”

OR

You can retire to South Carolina where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. ”Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder”,  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say, “Bless his heart” at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Iowa where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them quite so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits” – Albert Einstein

Air Horn Security – A lot cheaper than ADT!

To keep your groceries from falling over when they are in plastic handle bags.

YOU GUYS LAUGH AT US….But we get’er done!

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister. The congregation was aghast – you could almost hear a pin drop.

The groom’s jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued.  The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.  Then the groom’s mother fainted.  The best man and groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, “Can you tell us, why you come forward?  What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, “We can’t hear you in the back.”

And that illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

There’s enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to build a two-lane highway from San Francisco to NYC.

Western Michigan is home to a giant lavender labyrinth so big you can see it on Google Earth.

More people live in New York City than in 40 of the 50 states

The number of bourbon barrels in Kentucky outnumbers the state’s population by more than two million.

The entire town of Whittier, Alaska lives under one roof.

The one-woman town of Monowi, Nebraska is the only officially incorporated municipality with a population of 1.  The sole, 83-year-old resident is the city’s mayor, librarian, and bartender.

The town of Centralia, Pennsylvania has been on fire for 55 years.

The total length of Idaho’s rivers could stretch across the United States about 40 times.

The entire Denver International Airport is twice the size of Manhattan.

In 1922, a man built a house and all his furniture entirely out of 100,000 newspapers. The structure still stands today in Rockport, Massachusetts.

At 46 letters, Massachusetts’s Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggcha ubunagungamaugg has the longest place name in the U.S. (even though it’s based on a joke).

The Library of Congress contains approximately 838 miles of bookshelves—long enough to stretch from Houston to Chicago.

Oregon’s Crater Lake is deep enough to cover six Statues of Liberty stacked on top of each other.

Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.

Boston has the worst drivers out of the nation’s 200 largest cities. Kansas City has the best drivers.

Arizona and Hawaii are now the only states that don’t observe daylight savings time.

There’s an island full of wild monkeys off the coast of South Carolina called Morgan Island, and it’s not open to humans.

It would take you more than 400 years to spend a night in all of Las Vegas’s hotel rooms.

In 1872, Russia sold Alaska to the Unites States for about 2 cents per acre.

There’s a town in Washington with treetop bridges made specifically to help squirrels cross the street.

There is enough water in Lake Superior to cover all of North and South America in one foot of liquid.

A Welcomed Change of Pace

1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being almost 75, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marks the end of Daylight-Saving Time. Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Pass this along to your fellow seniors.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”…

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So, he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”