As I have grown older: I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

On Lance Armstrong: I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging: On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

VIDEO SCAM: Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute: Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” “Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”