CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: 
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER
Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: 
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself.  So, I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food.  She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.  I paid for it; it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.  She’s gonna learn today you just don’t mess with us old people.

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead, we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.  Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there’s only vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …

They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:

1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?”  Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1:  I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself …

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

Enjoy your day.  You don’t have anything else to do.

Yep, it’s that time of year again to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important
to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. 
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. 

The space below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself! If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say ‘water,’ proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question #4.

# 4. Do not use a calculator for this: 

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don’t you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned
 that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to
 the very same dentist two years before. Is that so asked the first old guy? Did he do a good job?

The second oldster replied, Well, I was on the golf course
 yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have 
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.

The first old guy was confused and asked, What the hell 
does that have to do with your dentures?

It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt…..

For my friends who ask how oil was trading at negative $37/bbl last week.

An Economics Lesson in Oil Futures
Analysis by Thompson Energy – Understanding how crude oil was trading at minus -$37

Imagine the following scenario: You pay $500 today and commit to receiving a hooker at your house in 15 days because your wife will be traveling. This is called a Futures Contract. Unfortunately, lockdown came and you are locked down with your wife at home for the next 60 days. This is called “now you are screwed” and you cannot fulfill the escort company’s Futures Contract.

So now you do not want this woman to show up at your house at all, and try to find anyone of your friends to pass off this futures contract, any neighbors or anybody else. But you find no takers because now everybody is under lockdown with their wives and families. You find you cannot sell this hooker commitment because nobody can take delivery of the girl, and there is nowhere to stash her. Nobody can receive the hooker at home anymore. Everyone is in full storage. To make matters worse, not even the pimp (Chicago Mercantile exchange) who sold you the hooker contract has more room to receive girls because his house is full of girls out of work under lockdown.

So now you will have to pay anyone just to take the girl off your hands. Someone tells you I will take the girl off your hands BUT you must pay me $37 to do it. This is called negative price when you deliver the girl that cost you $500 to the willing buyer and pay him (me, in this case) $37 to take delivery. Got it? This, in a nutshell, is what happened to the Oil Futures Market last week. No need to thank me.