A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year. “
The blonde man replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

————————————

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

————————————

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

————————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. 

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

————————————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

————————————

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 

”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. 
”No”, he shouts, “This is her husband!”

————————————

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

————————————

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. 
”Here boy!” he replies.

————————————

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. 
”Hanging myself,” the blond replies. 
”It should be around your neck” says the guard. 
”I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

————————————

An Italian tourist asks a blonde 
man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” 
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just  how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another – Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter? ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

IF YOU DON’T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

You didn’t even see this coming did you?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.

Following is the text of an opinion piece from the Wall Street Journal this week. As you read this, think about this – The Geniuses that promulgated these great ideas are also telling us how to run our lives! Scary!!

Minnesota Not Nice

Could a state design a more destructive policy to address coronavirus?

By James Freeman

May 21, 2020 1:19 pm ET

Thank goodness Covid-19 isn’t as deadly as many media pundits feared. Given the incomprehensible policy blunders of Minnesota’s state government, its health system might have been completely overwhelmed by now.

The sad news from the Land of 10,000 Lakes (and nearly 50,000 state employees) is that Minnesota has been implementing the disastrous Covid-19 strategy made famous by New York’s Gov. Andrew Cuomo. The essence of the plan is to forcefully reduce the income of people at low risk, while simultaneously increasing the chances of virus exposure for those at high risk.

Chris Serres reports in the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

    Early in the pandemic, the Minnesota Department of Health turned to nursing homes and other long-term care facilities to relieve the burden on hospitals that were at risk of being overwhelmed by COVID-19 patients. Minnesota hospitals have since discharged dozens of infected patients to nursing homes, including facilities that have undergone large and deadly outbreaks of the disease, state records show…

    One such facility, North Ridge Health and Rehab in New Hope, has accepted 42 patients from hospitals and other long-term care facilities since mid-April even as the coronavirus has raged through its 320-bed nursing home, killing 48 of its patients and infecting scores more.

It’s almost beyond belief that governors like Minnesota’s Tim Walz and New York’s Mr. Cuomo would impose impoverishing lockdowns that restrict so much of everyday life—while systematically endangering the elderly who bear by far the greatest risk.

The results in Minnesota are hardly surprising. On Tuesday the Star Tribune’s Jeremy Olson reported:

    Deaths from COVID-19 continue to be concentrated among the elderly and residents of long-term care facilities, with 13 of 17 newly reported fatalities on Tuesday involving residents of these facilities.

    The pandemic has now been associated with 748 deaths in Minnesota, including 608 long-term care residents, according to the latest COVID-19 figures provided Tuesday by the Minnesota Department of Health. Total infections have reached 17,029, and the number of hospitalized patients stands at 545 — with 229 of those patients in intensive care.

“State health officials on Monday said they were making strides in their latest strategies to protect residents and workers at long-term care facilities,” adds Mr. Olson.

Apparently Minnesota’s governor is really impressed with the progress being made by his entire team. Over at the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Christopher Magan reports:

    The administration of Democratic Gov. Tim Walz will go ahead and implement pay raises in July for thousands of state workers over the objections of Republicans who control the state Senate…

    Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka, R-Nisswa, said Tuesday implementing the raises would be “tone deaf” because “there are 12 unemployed Minnesotans for every state employee who would receive a raise this July.”

A new Journal editorial notes another appalling element of the Walz agenda as he ever so slowly allows Minnesotans to resume their lives:

    Minnesota churchgoers were hoping for a reprieve Wednesday when Gov. Tim Walz, as expected, announced steps for easing restrictions on bars, restaurants, hair salons and barbershops starting June 1. But churches didn’t make the cut.

    In response, an interfaith group including the Minnesota Catholic Conference, the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod and the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty immediately put the Governor on notice. In accordance with their First Amendment right to the free exercise of religion, they sent letters to their congregations and Gov. Walz announcing their intention to reopen their churches next week—without his blessing.

As far as the plans blessed by governors like Messrs. Walz and Cuomo, it’s getting harder to tell what they have to do with countering the virus. Meanwhile in New Jersey another Democrat, Gov. Phil Murphy, has been blaming nursing-home operators for the relatively high death toll in such facilities. But Susan Livio and Ted Sherman at NJ.com say their reporting “points to major missteps and negligence by the state.” They note:

    Despite the governor’s criticism of nursing home operators, the long-term care facility in New Jersey with the most deaths is the state-run Veterans Memorial Home in Paramus, which as of Monday reported 79 dead and 283 residents testing positive for COVID-19.

Governors should immediately liberate private citizens to exercise their beliefs, restore their livelihoods and protect their elderly neighbors.

During the banquet celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, Tom, the husband, was asked to give a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

===============================

A neighbor tells his friend, “Close your curtains the next time you’re screwing your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

His friend, who is not the sharpest tool in the shed, replied, “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”

==================================

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction manuals.”

===============================

A newly married couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was big and burly, tossed his pants to his wife and said, “Here, put these on.”

She caught them and put them on. She said, “I can’t wear your pants!”

“That’s right,” her hubby answered, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

At that, his wife flipped him her panties. “Try these on,” she said.

He tried them on and could only get them up to his kneecaps. “Hell, I can’t get in your panties,” he said.

“That’s right,” his wife replied, “and that’s the way it is going to be until your attitude changes!”