– I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited.

 – We are just two to three weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.

 – All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!

 – All I can think about now when I’m watching any TV show or movie is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.

– I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!

 – The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.

 – Quarantine Day 16. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.

 – Grocery shopping has become a real life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take 

 – So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood.

 – This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded. Geez.

 – My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way? “There are no winners.

 – When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” …YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

 – Can’t wait until this is over so I can go back to social distancing on my own terms.

 – Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

> – My car probably thinks I died.

 – It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.

 – If your parents are over 60 and want to go out … FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it”, tell them, “You’re not everyone.” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!

 – Hormel Foods made their first batch of SPAM in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food, they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week.

 – If you believe that the Yankees will be playing in two weeks, raise your right hand. Now slap yourself with it.

 – Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring!

– Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?