Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape

 Do you think illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?