Don’t let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of lager

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself That’s a little condescending.

MY MIND IS LIKE MY INTERNET BROWSER. 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point.  The glass is refillable.

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I’ve done the maths. Seems I died in 1537.

I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up

Had I known in March that it was the last time I would be in a restaurant I would have ordered the dessert.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I’ve missed my exit.

I swear we’re fighting two pandemics. Coronavirus and stupidity.