A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”  “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”  “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”  She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.” 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck – couldn’t think of another.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.  He got an A.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”  The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”  After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”  She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”  Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”   The wife said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

May I help you sir?”  she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Great Falls.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Great Falls.”

“I know.” the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

An Ottoman supply train still lays where it was ambushed by Lawrence of Arabia on the Hejaz railway during World War I. 

Holy Roman Emperor Maximillian I wore these armored gloves from 1508 until his death in 1519. (Now we know where Star Wars got some of their designs) 

The Cau Vang, outside the city of Da Nang in Vietnam is held up by two giant stone hands. 

This amazing 16th Century ring unfolds into an astronomical sphere. 

This 500-year-old boxwood miniature from the 16th century was created in the Netherlands 

This small ornate ax was made in Germany during the late 1500s. 

Carbonized bread from Pompeii that still has the baker’s stamp on it, 79 AD. 

18th century carved door in Germany with incredible workmanship 

A futuristic-looking 1938 Dymaxion, designed by American inventor Buckminster Fuller 

The library inside of the Waldsassen Abbey in Bavaria holds thousands of volumes bound in white pigskin. 

‘Cow shoes’ used by moonshiners in the Prohibition days to disguise their footprints, 1924 

Designed and built in the late 1800’s, this steamer trunk coverts into a stand-up dresser so the traveler doesn’t have to unpack. 

The 1936 Stout Scarab is one of the first minivans. 

Marketed as a toy for kids, U-238 Atomic Energy Labs came with three different types of live uranium ore and a Geiger counter. 

Shoes worn by Allied spies during World War II to steer the adversaries in the opposite direction 

The ornate Elephant Tower of the Carlsberg Brewery in Kopenhagen, 1901. 

A triple-decker bus roaming the streets of Berlin, Germany. 

Extreme tree pruning crew from the late 1800s. 

17 year-old Juliane Koepcke was sucked out of an airplane in 1971 after it was struck by a bolt of lightning. She fell 2 miles to the ground, strapped to her seat and survived after she endured 10 days in the Amazon Jungle. 

90-year-old Grandma in the Czech Republic passes time by artistically painting houses. 

Nicknamed ‘Methuselah’ this Californian bristlecone pine tree was seeded in the year 2833 BC, which makes this tree 4,850 years old. 

One does have to wonder … How the age of this tree is known for sure??? …. 

Infants sleeping in the open air after lunch at a maternity hospital in Moscow, 1958 

Mildred Burke, a pioneer of women’s pro-wrestling who began wrestling men at carnivals in 1935. She would go on to wrestle over 200 men, losing to only 1. 

** Notice it says ‘Girl’ wrestler!! She looks pretty much like a woman to me!! **

One of the most iconic photographs ever taken/ Bob Hope, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Dean Martin, and Frank Sinatra (circa 1975)

   ** Only one missing is Sammy Davis Jr…… then you would have “The Rat Pack” ** 

The ornate Klementinum Library in Prague. 

Hope you enjoyed these history photos……

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.  (I’m past 75). 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her: “Do you think I’ll live to be 85?”

She asked:  “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,”  I replied. “I don’t do any drugs, either!”

Then she asked:  “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said:  “Not much … My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t”, I said.

She asked:  “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No”, I said.

She looked at me and said:  “Then, why do you even give a shit?”

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold     is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue     is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero     is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals. 

Kites     were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song Auld Lang Syne     is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating     reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.

Peanut oil     is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.

The roar     that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10     living things live in the ocean.

The banana     cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

The University of Alaska     spans four time zones.

The tooth     is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece   ,  tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications     paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!

Intelligent people     have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet’s tail     always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu     vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine     increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute     is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up,     you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies,     hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times     strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries and cashews     are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados     have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon     moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth     gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth’s gravity     it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse     is known as “Topolino” in Italy.

Soldiers     do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything     weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram     carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at
lift-off.

The letter J, does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. 

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with ‘Carnation Milk is best of all.’ 

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.  I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, “Ma’am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry…..So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!”

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

(Here it is:)

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,

“Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked. “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1998.00

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the current White House, plus Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison