If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. ~ Woody Allen

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ll feel I’ve done my job. ~ Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. ~ Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you. ~ Woody Allen

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. ~ Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen

I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t know enough to be incompetent. ~ Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~ Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. ~ Woody Allen

With my complexion I don’t tan, I stroke. ~ Woody Allen

I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. ~ Woody Allen

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it’s fantastic. ~ Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people. ~ Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~ Woody Allen

I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials. ~ Woody Allen

I’m a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~ Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody AllenI believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. ~ Woody Allen

Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. ~ Woody Allen

80% of success is showing up. ~ Woody Allen

This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole? ~ Woody Allen

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. ~ Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. ~ Woody Allen

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t. ~ Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ~ Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness – I hope you’re getting this down. ~ Woody Allen

The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign’. ~ Woody Allen

After the accident he was only able to communicate through the use of hand puppets. ~ Woody Allen (A personal favorite, though this is likely a paraphrase . . . )