“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers 

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill 

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson   

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry 

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey 

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips 

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Too Many birthdays is a major cause of death” – Yogi Berra

And my favorite

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein