Nineteen blondes go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Barbie replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and found they were $70 each. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that – 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend – yet.

 

This is Beau, he’s an 8-week-old German Shepherd. puppy, I bought him as a surprise for my husband, but it turns out he is allergic to dogs. So, I am now urgently looking to find him a new home. I don’t want any money just free to a good home.

His name is Mike he’s 65 years old, a generous and caring man who drives, he is a great cook, good with kids and works really hard.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.” 

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a Golf Course too?”

 A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’

He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’

So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they  said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy.  I don’t know her  name – they just moved in.  She saw me ride past on my bike and asked        me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?  John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new        Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and put the money in his account.  So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)

In 1923, Who Was: 

1. President of the largest steel company? 

2. President of the largest gas company? 

3. President of the New York stock Exchange? 

4. Greatest wheat speculator? 

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 

6.. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. 

The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, Died a pauper. 

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, Went insane. 

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison To die at home. 

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, Died abroad, penniless. 

5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself. 

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, The US Open, was Gene Sarazen. 

What became of him? 

He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. 

The Moral: The heck with work. Play golf.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

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One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted….. “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”Where?”

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’… (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut in to 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time Then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They Walk Among Us!

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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can’t fix stupid.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.  
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.  
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”  
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.  
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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.    
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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.  
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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.  
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She had a photographic memory but never developed it. 
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Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.  
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.  
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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.  
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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.  
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The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.    
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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Need an ark? I Noah guy.
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I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.  
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

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