Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’

Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’

The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’

Yeah.’

‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’

‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’

‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’

‘Yes, I do have a house.’

‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’

‘Yes, I have a family.

‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’

‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic? ‘ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’

Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’

‘No.’

‘Then you’re a queer.’

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …”Ministers Should Do More Than Lay People”.
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way…OUCH!

The end.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though….”

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Barbie replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and found they were $70 each. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that – 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend – yet.

 

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free-range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So, Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So, the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers.  The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So, Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, “Sure. Put up your own sign.”

“The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, “How is the problem with the speeding drivers, did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign.   He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.

So, he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign………..

‘NUDIST COLONY’

‘Slow down and watch for chicks!

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap.”

I don’t understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
• Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.**    See below **

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you’ll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information!

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

***************************** *******

**CHARDONNAY, Scotch, or Bourbon may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!