Don’t let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub It’s a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I’ve done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I’ve missed my exit.