1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.