The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” “Great. I’ll start later.”
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?”
“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.” “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really?” “Yep. No teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine.
I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?