Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller