Day Brightener – A Sardonic Senior Might Day….I Suspect That Most Of Us Can Identify

  • As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
  • I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
  • Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.
  • My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
  • It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
  • I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
  • As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
  • Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore. . ..  I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” My Trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
  • As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
  • I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
  • If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
  • Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  • I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.
  • God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
  • I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
  • I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
  • My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
  • Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
  • Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
  • She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
  • So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChicken’s all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.  Are you kidding me?
  • Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
  • There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

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