– If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

– It is ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom when they’re flashing behind you.

– I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

– I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

– Never tell your problems to anyone because 20 percent don’t care, and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

– Take my advice. I’m not using it.

– Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

– Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and, so far, all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

– Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

– Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

– If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

– Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

– There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking. 

– He who laughs last thinks slowest and seldom gets the point. 

– Is it wrong that only one company can make the game Monopoly? 

– I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. 

– The grass may be greener on the other side, and you don’t have to mow it.

– I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

– I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

– If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

– No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.