I am only human, although I regret it. ~ Mark Twain

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. ~ Margaret Culkin Banning

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. ~ Jon Stewart

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. ~ Groucho Marx

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. ~ H. Kyle Seale

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. ~ Larry David

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. ~ George Bernard Shaw

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. ~ Caroline Rhea

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. ~ Scott Adams

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. ~ Bill Maher

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. ~ Larry David

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. ~ David Letterman

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Matt Groening

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~ Jackie Mason

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. ~ Carl Sagan

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. ~ Ron White

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. ~ Betty White

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Alexander Woollcott

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own. ~ Si Robertson

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Steven Wright

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. ~ Michael Scott