I almost retired in Phoenix, Arizona where…
- Folks are willing to park three blocks away from any destination because they found some shade.
- People experience condensation on their rear-ends from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- Folks can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave the Phoenix Metro Area.
- Everyone has over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
- Folks know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits them in the face if they open an oven door at 500 degrees.
- The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, damn hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
I thought about retiring in California where…
- Folks make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
- The fastest part of people’s commute is going down your driveway
- Everybody knows how to eat an artichoke.
- When someone asks how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
- Folks can live on the beach for free (especially in the LA area). All they need is a shopping cart, a blanket, a bottle of cheap wine, a stray dog, and an old tarp salvaged from a dumpster (in case it rains).
I considered retiring in New York City where…
- Folks say “the city” and expect everyone to know they mean Manhattan.
- Folks can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
- Folks think Central Park is “nature.”
- Folks believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes them multilingual.
- Most folks have worn out their car horns… IF they have a car and a driver’s license!
- Folks think eye contact is an act of aggression.
- But, of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on moving to Florida, but die first.
I might have retired in New Jersey where…
Nobody retires in ‘Jersey,’ except people from New York City.
I could have retired in Duluth, Minnesota where…
- Folks only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
- Everybody has seventeen recipes for casserole.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and 7 weeks of road repairs.
I thought of retiring in The Deep South where…
- Folks can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
- “He needed killin” is a valid defense in court.
- Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
- Everything is either: “in yonder” or “over yonder” or “out yonder.”
- You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!
I might have moved to Colorado where…
- Folks carry their $3,000 mountain bikes atop ancient (heavily rusted) $900 Jeep Cherokees.
- Women tell their husbands to pick up Granola on the way home, so hubby stops at the daycare center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of many male heads are bald, but they still have ponytails.
I could have retired in Nebraska where…
- Folks never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows everybody’s name.
- A traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You often have to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
- Folks end every sentence with a preposition (e.g., “Where’s my coat at?”)
FINALLY, I could have retired in Florida where…
- Retirees eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
- It’s just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.
- Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
- If you’re 65 they consider you a youngster.
- When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second term.
- Where you thought you would get away from all the assholes in NY and NJ.