Day Brightener – Choosing Where To Retire

I almost retired in Phoenix, Arizona where…

  1. Folks are willing to park three blocks away from any destination because they found some shade.
  2. People experience condensation on their rear-ends from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  3. Folks can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave the Phoenix Metro Area.
  4. Everyone has over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  5. Folks know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits them in the face if they open an oven door at 500 degrees.
  6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, damn hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


I thought about retiring in California where…

  1. Folks make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
  2. The fastest part of people’s commute is going down your driveway
  3. Everybody knows how to eat an artichoke.
  4. When someone asks how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
  6. Folks can live on the beach for free (especially in the LA area).  All they need is a shopping cart, a blanket, a bottle of cheap wine, a stray dog, and an old tarp salvaged from a dumpster (in case it rains).


I considered retiring in New York City where…

  1. Folks say “the city” and expect everyone to know they mean Manhattan.
  2. Folks can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
  3. Folks think Central Park is “nature.”
  4. Folks believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes them multilingual.
  5. Most folks have worn out their car horns…  IF they have a car and a driver’s license!
  6. Folks think eye contact is an act of aggression.
  7. But, of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on moving to Florida, but die first.


I might have retired in New Jersey where…

Nobody retires in ‘Jersey,’ except people from New York City.


I could have retired in Duluth, Minnesota where…

  1. Folks only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
  2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
  3. Everybody has seventeen recipes for casserole.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and 7 weeks of road repairs.


 I thought of retiring in The Deep South where…

  1. Folks can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
  3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense in court.
  4. Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  5. Everything is either: “in yonder”  or “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
  6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!


I might have moved to Colorado where…

  1. Folks carry their $3,000 mountain bikes atop ancient (heavily rusted) $900 Jeep Cherokees.
  2. Women tell their husbands to pick up Granola on the way home, so hubby stops at the daycare center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of many male heads are bald, but they still have ponytails.


I could have retired in Nebraska where… 

  1. Folks never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows everybody’s name.
  2. A traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You often have to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
  4. Folks end every sentence with a preposition (e.g., “Where’s my coat at?”)


FINALLY, I could have retired in Florida where…

  1. Retirees eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
  4. It’s just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.
  5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
  6. If you’re 65 they consider you a youngster.
  7. When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second term.
  8. Where you thought you would get away from all the assholes in NY and NJ.

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