I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “”Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?”

“Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”

Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”

I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently

97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.