It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Fighting for peace is a oxymoron.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Men’ s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

Make love, not war. Hell, do both…GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, New York

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

A corollary to the above. 

If it’s got tits or tires, you’re gonna have problems with it.
From a retired pilot.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…

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 …AND MY FAVORITE

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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