- So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
- Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
- Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis
- Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
- The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
- Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
- You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
- How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…
- the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and
- the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
- I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
- If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
- When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
- I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
- Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
- We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
- The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
- When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
- It’s weird being the same age as old people.\
- Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
- Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
- If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
- We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
- You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
- Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
- After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
- Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
- For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version ….it doesn’t listen to anything.
- I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
- Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
- Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
- The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
- There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
- Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
- I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
- My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
- Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
Loren Berg's Blog 
These are all very funny!! Thanks for the chuckle.
Some proper ‘killers’ in there 😂😂😂