Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church……”was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer…. and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The man answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it.”
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

HONESTY
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

MATH LESSONS
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

WHO’S YOUR DADDY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

RESURRECTION
The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what the Resurrection is?” Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.” The pastor is still laughing.

REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, ” Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, ” well son,I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, ” You’ve got made!”

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane? My name is Mrs. Goldstein.

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

 The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home..

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.  We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady!  I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Paraprosdokian – Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. It means “against expectations” in Greek.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn’t find any. 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. 

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got hell.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing!

Son: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?” Dad: “No sun.”

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn’t have any patience

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!