SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say, “Eat me.”
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain.  On the day of prayer, the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That’s FAITH.

{2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That’s TRUST.

{3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still, we set the alarms to wake up.
That’s HOPE.

{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That’s CONFIDENCE

{5} We see the world suffering, but still, we get married and have children
That’s LOVE.

{6} On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’
That’s ATTITUDE.

Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories. When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini-vacation.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip ….your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil

SENIOR’S DAY AT THE COURSE

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07… Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

A Sign In A Shoe Repair Store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign Over A Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In A Veterinarian’s Waiting Room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”.

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”.

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”.

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”.

In a Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”.

And the best one for last….

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Why Go to Church?
Last Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son for him to ready himself for church, and she was shocked when he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: – you’re 59 years old, and you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman was nearby, engaged halfway up a telephone pole.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The $20 bill reminisced about its travel all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the $20, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

A man went to the Harbourview Medical Center in Vancouver to have his wedding ring cut off of his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn’t know he was married, and she was so mad, she used Vaseline to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1. Having your girlfriend find out you’re married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis…. OR…
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

…….Tough call.  You decide.