As Buddha was quoted: “There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: the sun, the moon, the truth.”

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.”
But, none of them comes up to the man – touch his penis and say, “Good  job.”
Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness – but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy – but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble – they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems – but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
2. I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms — one in office and one in prison.

This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me!!

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.”

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

I think you’ll enjoy this. Whoever wrote it could have been my next-door neighbor because it totally described my childhood to a ‘T.’

Black and White TV – You could hardly see for all the snow. Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. ‘Good Night, David.  Good Night, Chet’

 Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs, and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter, and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting E. coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE… and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option… Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations

Oh yeah… And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $99 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either; because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.  Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a jerk. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.  How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA; AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!